Gaining Life

"

To all those
That think quasi is the answer to their lives
That feel like they’re doing just fine
And are convinced they’re happier than they ever could be
Were they to fully recover

Your disorder is lying to you
Because we all know that
Quasi panic
When your jeans feel that freshly washed tightness
Or you’re invited to that unplanned party
With unplanned people
And unplanned food

When the portion on the container
Of your newest challenge
Is so small it makes you cry
Because you know it won’t even touch the sides of your stomach
But doubling it is out of the question
Because have you seen the fat content?

And that deep inner sadness
We all know too well
That comes from staring at those photos on tumblr
Of those perfect, tanned and THIN girls
Living their colourful and frivolous lives

Or heck even those on Facebook
Of the friends that were once yours
Out and living
In Burger King at 3am
Drunk as skunks and high as kites
With smiles on their faces
Wider than yours has ever seen,
Or at least since you got sick

So I hope having read this
You put the scales
Or the tape measure
Or whatever is controlling you down
And take you first breath of freedom
And pour that unmeasured bowl of cereal
Or glass of wine
As you embark on your endeavor
To rediscover your soul

It will be hard
You may gain weight
But you will glow
Like a 6am summer sunrise
And laugh with the tunefulness of a
Canary bird

You will be part of the 3am Burger King runs
Laughing
Too drunk to stand up

But most of all
That screaming that’s been in the back of your mind
For as long as you can remember
Will finally quieten down
This will be your final battle
And you will be victorious

"

-An ode to quasi (via bus-stopdiaries)

Your metabolisms reaction to treating it right

  • Breakfast: what a great start, thank fuck I don't have to start the day in a panic, now I know I have what I need to not have to hold onto anything that comes my way, and I can start focusing on functioning properly
  • Snack: alright, thanks a lot, I'm glad I trusted you. Another snack came my way and I was able to continue giving you the best possible energy I can deliver
  • Lunch: gee I needed this, I've been working for a while and need to maintain my hard work. Thanks for feeding me, I'll be able to carry on
  • Snack: thank you dear
  • Dinner: hell fucking yeah fish and chips how did you know that's exactly the amount of protein and carbs and fat I needed. Oh? You listened to your cravings? Great! we're really close he always knows what I need
  • Snack: I'm getting tired but I'm going to have to keep working whilst you sleep, so you still need to fuel me. Until the morning old chum!
The danger of external validation

Treatment has been limited in the past few months because I have progressed into recovery further than ever before. Twice a week has become every other week, and I have been greatful. The voices of deamons have become whispers, and I have gained the ability to make them mute in most instances. However, a month ago I went on vacation and with that came the realization I still look to others to validate progress. I found myself asking, “do I look okay?” “are you sure?” “Do I look healthy?” This didn’t seem like a big deal until I realized I wasnt getting the validation I was seeking, and my recovery progress became stunted. Soon my team was asking me when i thought they should start to be concerned about my health. This MUST stop! I need to work on believing I am beautiful and loving myself without seeking external agreement. I AM BEAUTIFUL! No doubt about it. I have a heart that can hold unlimited love for the people in my life. I have a smile that can brighten someone’s day. No one can tell you a number at which your beauty will be realized. Instead of basing your value on a number you see on the scale or what your doctors tell you is your “ideal weight” believe that at this moment you are amazingly beautiful, and that fact will not wavor in its truth if you gain or drop a few pounds.

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